Q: What is the formula for ice?
A: H2O cubed.
Annie Hall: "Sometimes I ask myself how I'd stand up under torture." Alvy Singer: "You? You kiddin'? If the Gestapo would take away your Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em everything."
Love and Marriage
Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
Alligator in a bar
A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..." The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."
One Day around Christmas Time, an Avon Lady Was Soliciting Her Products In An Apartment Building. Just as she Got On The Elevator To Go To The Top Floor, She Had An Overwhelming Urge To Fart. Seeing As How There Was No One Else In The Elevator She Decided To Let It Rip. It Was The Most Intensely Disgusting Fart She Had ever let go and did it ever Smell. She Quickly Sprayed a lot of her New Pine Scented Air Freshener With The Intent Of Covering Up The Smell Of The Fart. An Older Lady Got On At The Next Floor, Turned Very Red In The Face And Quickly Got Off On The Next Floor, so She Decided To Spray A Little More Of The Air Freshener. Two Floors Later A Drunk Man Got On But he Did Not Seem Overly Distracted By The Smell. So she Took The Opportunity To Advertise Her Product. She Said, "Excuse Me Sir, But I'd Like To Ask You What You Think Of Our New Line Of Christmas Scent Air Fresheners?" He Sniffed The Air Intensely, Hiccupped, and said "Smells to me like somebody crapped under the Christmas Tree."
Two husbands were having a conversation, First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country.
Q. What do you call a dear without any eyes? A. No eye dear!
Knock Knock Who's there? Europe! Europe Who? Europe'ning the door too slow, come on !
Q: What does Star Trek’s Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on Rahul Gandhi?
A: Space. The final frontier……….