My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a redhead. The blond is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and aims it at her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up. You're next, you bastard."
Catch no throe
Q: What can you catch but not throw?
A: A cold.
Q:Why did the volcano explode?
A: It could not find a lava-tory.
Burnt out Bulbs
A boy met his friend walking down the street with a whole sack of burnt out light bulbs. He asked him what he was going to do with all those useless bulbs. His friend replied, "I'm going to build a dark room".
What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'
Cheatin and Beatin
An HR manager got married. On the first night of their honey moon, on seeing his wife nude for the first time, he was furious: Tumne mujhse dhoka kiya!! You have cheated me! The astounded but smart bride asks: Kaise? Kya dhokha diya hai maine? The HR man shouts: Your Boobs are so small.... I definitely remember noticing their size when I met you at the engagement... they appeared to be much bigger... The hitech bride replies, "Honey, what you saw and agreed upon was the CTC Package... but this is what you get in hand...
Once Rajinikanth dropped a coin while he was standing in the balcony... He went down to pick it up, but it was not there.... hmmmm... He reached there before the coin...
Hate your job? Join our support group! It’s called EVERYBODY. We meet at the bar. - Drew Carey
Jesus is watching you
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me". The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."