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Religion Jokes

164
  • Posted on 22/11/2016

    Tale of death

    These three men show up at the Pearly Gates simultaneously. Peter asks the first one how he died. The man says, "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment. So today I was going to come home at lunch and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." Peter turns to the second man and says, "And how did you die?" The man says, "You're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, completely unhurt, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!" Peter turns to the third man and says, "And how did YOU die?" The man says, "OK. Picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

  • Posted on 22/11/2016

    Priest under dental care

    This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way. The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... and I couldn't stop talking!

  • Posted on 22/11/2016

    R

    The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available. He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script. All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope huddled in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "An 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and what does he mean. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the 'R'. The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

  • Posted on 22/11/2016

    All is true

    A young girl is standing on a street corner, preaching about God to whoever will listen. A businessman stops to listen, and can't believe what he's hearing. Finally, he interrupts the girl and says, "Excuse me, but are you saying that EVERYTHING in the Bible is true?" The girl responds, "Why, yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." He says, "So you're saying that the story of Jonah and the big fish is a true story?" The girl says, "Yes, that's what I'm saying." He says, "Okay, so tell me how Jonah could survive for three days inside of a big fish!" The girl thinks for a moment, then says, "Well...I'm not sure. But when I get to Heaven, I'll ask him." He says, "But what if Jonah went to hell?" The girl says, "Then you can ask him!"

  • Posted on 22/11/2016

    Devlish plot

    Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man's slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten. The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten. The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, "You think I'm a fool? Try finding that!"