Posted on 22/11/2016
One day a Jewish grandmother had taken her grandson to the beach for a play when suddenly a huge wave washed over the infant and pulled him out to sea. The distraught grandmother fell down on her knees, and sobbed, "Please God, don't let my grandson die, please, he is my only grandson! He is the future of my family, please return him to me safely!" Instantly another huge wave rolls the infant back onto the beach and the grandmother looks up to the sky and said, "He had a hat!"
Jesus and Moses get together for a little reunion. Moses says "I haven't parted a sea in a long time". So he raises his hands, and a sea parts. He looks a Jesus and says "Damn that was fun". So Jesus looks at Moses and says "I haven't walk across water in a long time". Jesus starts to walk on water. He gets out about 10 feet and sinks, so he swims back in. "What the hell went went wrong? I'm gonna try again." This time he gets out about 20 feet, and he sinks, so he swims back in. "I still don't know what happened, I'm gonna try one more time." He gets out about 30 feet and sinks, so he swims back in. He looks right at Moses and says "I know why I can't do it. The last time I tried it I didn't have holes in my feet."
*** Religion Jokes ***
An Indian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks “What do they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.” The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks “What do they do here?” He is told “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.” But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? “Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the cafeteria…”
I was arguing with my wife when I told her that she thinks that she is some sort of god. She said that under our roof she is a god. If I was a Hindu man I'd probably agree, because then I would worship the big fat elephant.