Posted on 22/11/2016
Rounds of Drinks
A man walks into a pub with an ostrich and a cat. He goes up the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat." The unlikely trio find a table, sit down and drink their drinks. Next, it's the ostrich's round. He walks up to the bar and says: "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat." Then the ostrich takes the drinks back to the table and they drink them. When it comes to the cat's turn to buy a round, he simply tells his pals to "Sod off!" So the man goes back to the bar and asks for another two beers and a whisky. Impressed at his generosity, the barman says: "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why do you hang out with him?" The man replies: "I once helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish, which landed me with the cat and the ostrich forever." "What did you wish for?" enquires the barman. "A long-legged bird with a tight puss*.
Panda at the Bar
*** Bar Jokes ***
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
Horse in a Bar
A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a beer." The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a beer." The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of beer." So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a beer. "You know," says the barkeep, "we don't get many horses around here." To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."
No ordinary dog
*** Bar Jokes ***
A man walks into a bar with his dog but the bartender says "You can't bring your dog into here!" The man replies "but this is no ordinary dog. You see, this dog can talk. I'll prove it to you. What covers trees?" The dog replies "Bark!" He asks "What's on top of a house?" The dog answers "Roof!" Finally the man asks "Who's your favorite baseball player?" The dog says "Ruth!" The bartender immediately throws them both out. The man says "What was that guy's problem?" The dog answers "Maybe he's not a fan of the Yankees.
The blond joke
A blind man walks into a bar and sits for a while with nobody talking to him. He says "Anybody want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender tells him "Before you tell it I just want to let you know there is a cage fighting blonde on one side of you and a large blonde softball player on the other side. I'm also a blonde and I can bench 300 pounds. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The blind man replies "Obviously not! I don't have time to explain the joke 3 times."