Posted on 22/11/2016
Gate of heaven
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?" The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserved to enter Heaven." "OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate. Next came the Muslim, who says, "I had not done any good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passed the test. Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn, who tells the Angel, "I had done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five prescepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, he agrees to take the test. The Angel then asks him: "How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"
*** Christian Jokes ***
There comes a time when Satan is plotting in Hell."Hmmmm," he thinks, " I bet I could make a better computer program than that good-for-nothing savior Jesus!" So Satan goes to heaven to challenge Jesus. "Jesus," satan says, "we will both create a new windows program. The time limit will be 10 minutes. Whoever's program is better, wins!" So Jesus and Satan take up chairs at opposite God Light 20,000 computers and begin typing. Fingers flying across the keyboards, they both type over 90,000,000,000,000 lines of code a minute. Huge, lengthy lines of code appear on both screens. Just before the 10 minute time is up, the power in heaven goes out. After a few seconds, the power comes back on."AHHHHHHHHHH," screams Satan, staring at a blank screen. "My Program!" Jesus calmly restarts his computer and looks over at Satan, grinning. "But...you had to lose yours too!" Satan yells. Jesus types a couple of keystrokes and WhirwhirBliip.....His program pops onto the screen. "Huh?" Satan cries. "How?" Then a nearby angel of God replies, "Haven't you figured it out by now? Jesus Saves!"
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
*** Christian Jokes ***
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday. In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister's embarrassment. The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse." "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.