Posted on 22/11/2016
Hunter and the Bear
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers and bend over." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his trousers and bends over; and the bear does what he said he would do. After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers and staggers back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "You know what to do." Afterward, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys a bazooka. Now he is really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"
*** Hunting Jokes ***
One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance. The fish said to itself, “If that fly comes six inches closer, I’ll jump up and have myself a meal.” Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, ” if that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and i’ll catch the fish and have myself a meal.” As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and i’ll shoot the bear.” Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself,” if that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and i’ll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter. However, unbeknown to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, “If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I’ll snatch the rat.” At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake. The moral of this story is: If the fly drops six inches the pu*sy cat will get wet.
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive..."
*** Hunting Jokes ***
Rahul Gandhi proposed to his Columbian drug lord girlfriend. She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots. He sets off to Africa and disappears. Finally a search is being made, they find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one. He walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims “71st and *AGAIN* barefooted!”
One day, Bill the duck hunter was out on the border of New South Wales and Victoria shooting ducks. He was having a really good day, he'd already bagged 6 or 7 ducks and a park ranger came up to him. "Did you realise that it’s not duck season in Victoria anymore mate,” said the ranger. "I shot these ducks in New South Wales!” Bill replied swiftly. The ranger then said, "That’s irrelevant if the ducks are from Victoria, throw me one of the ducks, I’m an expert and I’ll be able to tell you if it’s from Victoria, or New South Wales.” Bill, thinking that the Ranger was a bit of a goose, obliged and threw him the first duck. The ranger then proceeded to part the ducks tail feathers, and then jammed his index finger straight up the ducks arse. He then sniffed his finger and called back, "That one is ok, it’s from New South Wales, send me the second one.” Bill laughed and sent him the second duck purely out of interest. The ranger did the same routine again, and when he sniffed his finger, he called back, "This duck is from Victoria, I’m going to have to report you.” "You're kidding aren't you mate" said Bill "You can't possibly tell from that!” "Trust me, I’m an expert" calls the ranger "Now, what was your name?” "Bill Smith" "And where are you from Bill?” "Richmond" "Richmond Victoria, or Richmond New South Wales?” Bill then proceeded to un-do his belt, drop his daks, and called back "You're the f*ckin expert, you tell me!”