An obese woman goes to a doctor to be put on a drastic weight-loss programme. The doctor tells her that she can eat anything she likes but that any food must be inserted up the a##s. The woman agrees and four weeks later comes back for a check-up. The doctor is very pleased with the woman’s progress but is concerned that the woman’s hips keep twitching constantly. ‘When did that hip twitching start?’ asks the doctor. ‘I ain’t twitching,’ replies the woman. ‘I’m chewing gum.’
A fat man goes to a weight-loss clinic and is offered three weight-loss plans, one for £100, one for £200, and a third for £500. The man chooses the £100 plan, has a shower, then is shown into a sauna. There, sitting naked on a chair, is a young woman with a sign over her head saying, ‘If you catch me you can have s*x with me!’ The man needs no more encouragement and starts chasing the woman round the room. His time runs out before he catches her, but he’s delighted when he learns he’s lost ten pounds of fat. The next day the man returns and buys the £200 plan. Again he has a shower, and again he’s shown into the sauna. Here a gorgeous naked young woman in high heels is sitting under the sign saying, ‘If you catch me you can have s*x with me!’ The fat man chases the woman round the room but even in her high heels she’s able to evade him until his time is up. The next day the man returns and decides on the £500 weight-loss plan. The man has his shower and is shown into the sauna but finds it’s empty. He hears a sound and looks round as a huge male gorilla is pushed into the room. Round the gorilla’s neck is a sign saying, ‘If I catch you, I get to have s*x with you!’
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
You know you’re getting fat when you can look in the mirror and see your rear end without turning round.